I can’t be myself

I’ve made a few awesome friends here, of which I am so happy. But I’m not sure any of them have seen the true me. The me that I’ve worked so hard to release from my cocoon of shyness that consumed me as a kid. 


I’m so eager to practice Spanish and I have a fear that I’ll live here a long time and never become fluent. What a waste that would be. 

So whenever I find myself in an English conversation, inside my head I’m continuously saying to myself, “I should be speaking Spanish. This is becoming a wasted opportunity. How would I say that in Spanish? I have no idea. I need to learn a lot more. I should be practicing right now. I’m cheating. Wasted opportunity!! I’m never going to be fluent unless I practice!”  Meanwhile I’m trying to listen and talk and not doing either very well. 

When I am speaking Spanish, I’m thinking so hard about my elementary words I probably make the weirdest faces.  I certainly don’t crack any jokes. And I’m a funny girl! (But looks aren’t everything as Trevor says)

So my personality never shines through fully. (It has during the book club I’m a part of. I need to blog about that group). 

our tutoring sessions help

I guess I don’t look or sound too moronic though because I keep getting invited to social events. ????

I started asking my friends where they learned their second language so well. (Some of my friends speak fluent Spanish as their second language, of which I am jealous) They are either married to a native speaker, learned as a kid, or spent significant time in a country where the language is spoken. Well, I’ve got that last one down, so I’m on my way. I take solace in the fact that my kids will learn Spanish somewhat easily and hopefully it’s a gift for life.    

speaking Spanish is a gas!


I know my Spanish will come. It’s come a long way since last August. Now, I just have to practice over summer when we’re in Wisconsin so I don’t lose it…

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8 Responses to I can’t be myself

  1. Diane Palmert says:

    Would you give yourself a break here please!!! You are so not the child I sent off to kindergarten nor are you the young lady I sent off to college. You have grown (and I don’t mean girth-wise) tremendously over the years. Of course you will learn Spanish and learn it well. Think – how many pictures did you take before you “felt” like a photographer? How many Swing lessons did you take before you “felt” you were accomplished?? Neither of those activities took only 9 months. Continue on your route – slow and steady and you will get to your goal. You always have you know!

    • Laura says:

      THanks Mom. Actually though, I thought I owned swing dancing right off the bat. I was very cocky and sure of myself, so the video of me during that time is rather entertaining!

  2. Margarett Rubio says:

    Laura please don’t say that I know I haven’t known you for very long but you know what you are a wonderful person you are very social you are funny you are beautiful you are a wonderful mom don’t ever say that about yourself about not being able to let out the true you even when there are barriers in languages and different countries in different traditions your true self will just shine Laura like I said I haven’t known you very long but you and your family are truly wonderful and as I stated when you left Madison you don’t realize how much you have helped me through my trials and tribulations just be you and shine for your wonderful family. You can call me anytime and practice. I can’t wait till you guys get back!

    • Laura says:

      Vamos a praticar juntos cuando estamos en Madison en Julio!! gracias! You can laugh at all my Puerto Rican words haha

  3. Barbara Schutt says:

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself, Laura. It will take time. I seem to have a mental block with Spanish, haha, but my husband is trying to learn and doing great.

  4. Brenda Bravo-Kapper says:

    You need to stop thinking and just do it!!! You’ll you have had a breakthrough when you dream in Spanish. Try to use it at home with Trevor and the kids for at least an hour.
    And don’t be so hard on yourself
    Señora B-K

  5. ¡A practicar se ha dicho! Poco a poco pero hay que comenzar! Enjoy the journey girl.

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